Me

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

Ugh. Once again it is Tuesday. Tuesday means working all day, then going straight to therapy, and then sitting in my boring, slow class for three hours. Yuck. Well, at least my paper is done. Yay! I forgot what a relief it is to finish a paper and turn it in. A big weight is off my shoulders now. Tomorrow night it's going to be all about relaxation in my PJs, cuddling with Daddy and playing with my puppies...I can't wait!

Tonight Daddy is also picking up my new car (well, it's used, but new to me). Yay! It will be nice to not be on the freeway, praying to God that my car won't break down...And it's not all beat up like my other car, so I don't have to hear all of the rich Piedmont High School kids laugh at my car as they pass by...okay, it's kind of funny, but kind of sad too....

Ugh. I haven't had internet access in days. I've missed LJ. Daddy and I had a great night last night. I got in my Rubber Duckie PJs and we played. I got REALLY little. I don't think that I have ever gotten that young before. I sat on his lap with my sippy cup and sucked on a pacifier (aka "binkie"). It's weird, because I didn't feel fat or ugly when I was on his lap, because I felt like a baby and babies don't judge their bodies or criticize themselves. I just wanted to be snuggled and in my Daddy's arms. He rocked me and soothed me and kept telling me what a good girl I am and how much he loves me. I just kept looking up at him wide-eyed and he just kept looking down at me like I was actually an innocent, sweet little toddler. I almost started crying because I don't think that I have ever felt so safe and nurtured. I felt like I was coming Home...

I'm having one of those days in which I just want it to be over with. I have a big midterm and it's going to be hard. Lots of theory. Lot's of information...Crawling into bed this evening is going to be a relief.

But on the positive side I am developing a friendship with two people that I cherish more than words can say. They both make me feel so special and loved. I need that right now...

Had a great date last night with someone incredible. The more and more I get to know this woman, the more in awe I am. Daddy and I are so lucky to get the chance to date her...

Blah. It's Sunday. There's something about Sunday. Typically, it's a relaxing day for me, but I know that Monday is just around the corner, lurking. And I wish it wasn't raining today. I was hoping to go to the dog park, but it looks like it's not going to happen. It's a good day for watching a movie though. whipsnkisses stayed over to watch the puppies while we are on our date in S.F., and I rented one of my favorite movies. It's called Female Perversions. Very powerful movie in my opinion.

Oh yeah, guess I better study for that midterm that I have on Tuesday too....Yikes!

It's 4:00 AM and I am wide awake. That's okay. I have a lot to do today. Daddy and I played last night and it was amazing. I love to bottom more than almost anything else. Time stands still. It is only him and me and sensation. As the implement he is using at the time gets more and more intense with every stroke, I get higher and higher. My body begins to burn and I am almost afraid that I will not be able to take what he has to give but I know that I will because it's his gift to me. He plays me like a beautiful instrument, fine tuning, appreciating the way I sing out. The connection. At these moments the amount of love and submission that I feel is almost overpowering. I can barely breathe. The heat and fire and passion radiates throughout and I feel Powerful. Animalistic. Unashamed. Free...And Daddy takes me there. Knowing that I need this like food and water. Knowing and seeing who and what I am at the core and embracing it. Holding onto me as I fly. Cherishing me. Loving me...

Wow! I slept for nine hours! I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 7. I must have needed it. I've been having weird dreams lately. Last night I dreamed that I was working at Nordstrom (which I have done in the past, long ago). It was during the Holiday Season, which for anyone who has worked in retail before, knows that this truly sucks. Anyway, I was straightening up all of the mountains of clothes, and suddenly, my nose got really stuffy. I literally could not breathe and told the manager that I had to go to the restroom. The manager turned out to be my mother. So she tells me absolutely not. That I had to finish doing what I was doing. That I wasn't being a "team player" and I was being selfish. So I got really mad. The problem was that although I was screaming, no words were coming out. And when I tried to hit the walls with my fists, I couldn't make contact or if I did, I would just lightly graze the surface, even though I was using all of my strength. I was so angry and there was nothing that I could do about it. Ugh!

The night before I had this dream that I was living with this American family in India as a houseslave. They were perfectly nice but I missed my Daddy so much. Once in awhile, I was allowed to call him and the pain and aching that I felt inside when I heard his voice, knowing that I would never see him again, was unimaginable. It makes me want to cry, just thinking about it...

But on another note, I had a very productive day yesterday. I am fixing up the Little Girl Room so that my sister Bethie will have a room to sleep and play in when she comes to be with us. I am also painting the guest bathroom with Daddy (I get to be his assistant!). It's a rubber duckie theme. I'm painting some of the walls blue and some of them white. And clouds on the ceiling. Very cute. Very silly. Very, well, little girl. Wow! What a surprise there!

Yay! I have the next 5 days off! With pay! The family who I nanny for is on vacation so that means I get vacation too. Did I mention that I STILL get paid? I swear I love my job. Days filled with playing with legos, taking walks, going to Gymboree classes, and reading children's books. And when my little boy (oh god, is he the cutest thing EVER!) takes a nap, I can take a nap too if I want. Or study. Yeah, I have it pretty easy. Of course, there are moments like any other job. A two year old in the midst of a tantrum can be a challenge. And poopy diapers are SO NOT pretty! And yeah, I am not making the kind of money that I was when I had a "grown up" job. In an office. Just another rat in the cubicle maze. But a rat in a cubicle maze with benefits.

I feel so lucky to be in the profession that I am in. It's so incredible to watch a human being change from day to day. New words are coming everyday. Spatial abilities are developing. His sense of humor is changing, becoming more sophisticated. And I know that I am influencing him, as are the other people in his life. It makes me want to be a better person, knowing that my behavior is a model for him. Funny that when I am driving him around in my car, I drive slower, appreciating how fragile life is, knowing that this little person depends on me so much. And the thought of yelling and honking at the idiot who cuts me off while my little one is in the back seat seems absurd and I wouldn't think of doing it. And I appreciate all of the small wonders that life brings when I am in his presence. A leaf on the grass. Rain drops from the most recent storm that have been left behind, slowing falling to the ground. Or a a song. All of these things make him smile, followed by a beautifully sweet,"Wow!" It's an honor to be a part of it...

I woke up today feeling really depressed. I want to just crawl back into bed and cry and cry. I'm not liking myself too much right now. I'm feeling so alone and lost. I wish that I could pull myself out of this black, gloomy, damp hole but another part of me feels that I deserve to be right where I am...

It's Sunday night and I feel so refreshed. Daddy and I had a great weekend. Lots of communication and even some new rituals. I love ritual in D/s. It makes me feel so safe and secure and loved. Tonight I will close my eyes, my bottom warm from the nice spanking I just got from Daddy, and drift off to a sweet slumber...

I woke up this morning feeling so much better. Daddy is treating me like his "little princess" for the entire weekend. We woke up early, drank coffee, and played with the two bloodhounds. I think that this is just what I needed. Lately, I haven't spent much time down in "little girl" space, which is part of why I have been in such a funk. I need that connection with Daddy. I need to curl up in his lap and breathe in his strong, protective, "Daddy smell", drinking out of my sippy cup, with my blanket and Spike II. I need to be his baby, his little girl. When I don't spend enough time in this head space, the adult in me just shuts down. It's like the little girl in me is what fuels the adult...without time in little girl space, it is very hard for me to function with day to day stuff, with life's little bumps. Being a little girl is a vacation from all of the things that I need to do as an adult. Work. Chores. Just plain "life". I'm not saying that I totally want to "check out" from the adult world. The adult world has it's joys too. But without time in little girl space, I begin to get overwhelmed. Scared. Depressed.

I thank god that I have found my Daddy. That he has found me. To have someone who truly understands this aspect of myself, who embraces it, who loves this about me, is such a blessing...

I threw up yesterday. It's scary, because I felt as if I were in a trance. In the kitchen. Four graham crackers and five spoonfuls of icecream and I found myself in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat. Afterwards..."What just happened?" Just when I feel like I've kicked this bulimia thing I feel the pull. Beckoning me. Whispers of "You know you will lose weight if you just throw up. You can be a size six again. You will be happier. No one has to know and it will be our little secret..." But it's not a secret anymore. Part of my submission is to inform Daddy of when I slip up. It was so hard when I came home from work, knowing that I had to tell him. I struggled so hard between keeping my secret and knowing that if I kept it to myself our D/s, our relationship, would be a lie. So I told him, knowing that he would be hurt, disappointed, and sad that I had damaged his property, thought so little of it, took on the responsibility of punishing myself when that is his job, not mine...

But if I were to look on the bright side, I know that I have come a long way. My eating disorder used to be so private for me. My main coping skill. It's not anymore. And I know that by telling Daddy what I had done, I have chosen my relationship, my submission, over bulimia. Intimacy won out in the long run...

So Daddy and I have a lot of work to do this weekend. Working on my feelings of self worth that are not attached to my weight. Working on my showing respect for his property. Working on my going deeper into my submission. Working on me being free...

I am sick. Again. I swear, I have been sick more days than not this winter. Just comes with the territory of working with kids...disease mongers that they are. I know that I should be working on my paper for school but I just can't seem to get my motivation going...ugh! I just want to crawl in bed and drink juice and sleep. I kind of think that I am just "tapped out" right now. Finding a balance between taking care of myself and keeping up with my responsibilities that I hold dear. It's a tough though. Often I feel selfish and lazy when I reach this point, knowing that I need to rest and get recharged, not having a whole lot to give at the moment...For those of you who may read this, please know that I love you very much and my lack of energy and enthusiasm has nothing to do with my tender feelings for you but it's just me being tired and sick and exhausted...

So I have been interested in topping lately. I have even played a few times as the Top. But let's just say that recent events have made me think twice about it. I played with someone who turned out to not who I expected her to be. Lots of weird emails. Lots of drama. I'm pretty pissed off about it to tell you the truth because while I am the first to be a huge supporter of aftercare, I am also smart enough to know when I am being manipulated, as it is in this case. Thankfully, Daddy and I are in complete agreement on this and we're nipping it in the bud. Part of me feels really sorry for this person, wanting to help her with her issues, but the other part of me (the not so nice part) wants to send her a seething email and say some pretty nasty things in response to all of the drama and bullshit that has been thrown my way these last few days...

I feel so warm and safe right now. It is raining outside but I am content. Calm. Happy. I feel as if I am getting to the point in which I am going to allow myself to feel good without worrying contantly about what may or may not happen. At least I am going to try really hard to do it. Could this by my resolution for the New Year that I have been searching for?

Right now, there are three Little Girls in Daddy and my Home, taking naps. Daddy is cuddling up with them, watching catoons and he is incredibly happy with all of this little girl energy swirling around the room. You can practically smell the sweetness. Kind of like french vanilla or butter cookies. I cannot believe that this is my life. How did I get so lucky?

Well, I'm still craving that entire day of just sleeping and watching TV, but I'm not feeling depressed like I was yesterday. I think that I am just really tired. Getting ready to move into the new house is kind of stressful. There has not been tons of time to just chill out. Relax. I think that I actually work harder on weekends instead of weekdays. Plus, our social life has been really full as of late. Lots of dating. This is totally not a complaint. No, "Oh poor me. We are dating fabulous women. Wah!" It's not like that at all. As most poly people know, time is always a factor. There never seems to be enough...

I am, however, feeling a bit sad because Grommet (my puppy) is being neutered today. I know, it sounds stupid. But the thought of him being scared, not knowing why we left him there, just breaks my heart. Daddy has already assured me that my baby is fine. He paid for all of the "extras" such as painkillers, sedation, and the deluxe kennel for his overnight stay. Grommet is probably so drugged right now, that he doesn't even know what is going on. He is most likely sleeping soundly. But still, I feel all neurotic about it. The vet techs are probably laughing at Daddy and me because we BOTH called within 15 minutes of each other to check up on him. What can I say? We love our dog like a kid!

So as I mentioned before, I had my eating disorder support group yesterday. I love my group a lot and it helps to know that other people struggle like I do. That I am not alone. The problem is that inevitably my lifestyle comes up at some point. My 24/7, D/s Daddy/little girl relationship. My polyamory. My love of pain, how it makes me soar and for a brief moment makes me feel beautiful, strong and sexy. I mean, how can it be avoided? I can honestly say that I am NOT ashamed of my lifestyle. At all. It is who I am. But sometimes it gets so frustrating when I have to "educate" everyone when what I am looking for is support at that moment. This also occurs with my "vanilla" friends. What I want to talk about could be something like my fear of anger, but instead I have to spend time explaining what BDSM is, what polyamory is and tell them honestly and truly, "No, it does not bother me that my husband sleeps with other people. No, I am not jealous. Yes, I am truly happy about all of this stuff." Sometimes I think that they don't believe me. I mean, how could I seriously be okay with all of this? Their eyes get all big and they have that half smile on their face, nodding slightly. It would be kind of funny if it weren't so frustrating. I know what they are thinking. It doesn't take a rocket scientist. Isn't my love of pain and my D/lg relationship just a symptom of my being fucked up? Of my being molested by my father? Why would I want a man to Dominate me? Isn't that an abusive relationship? Uh, no...Work with me people! Listen closely to what I am saying to you...my lifestyle actually makes me HAPPY. Fulfilled. NOT crazy! I have known who/what I was ever since I was six years old. Going out into the Community, finding what I wanted to have for so long, was one of the BRAVEST, most HEALTHY thing that I have ever done. Can we get past all of this and actually have a celebration over this fact? Needless to say, I'm not holding my breath....

The alarm goes off at 6:00 AM. Jesus fucking christ. I throw the covers over my head and tell myself, "Just five more minutes." Five more minutes turns into a half hour. Now I have to get up or I will be late for work. Maybe I am sick. "Yeah, that's it, I am sick," I tell myself over and over hoping that if I say it enough times it will come true and I will be able to indulge in trashy talk shows and hours of napping all day long. But I know that I am not sick. Not really. Damn it! If I still worked in Corporate America, I would have called in without any qualms whatsoever. Chalk it up to a Mental Health Day. God I miss Mental Health Days. But I no longer work in Corporate America. I am a nanny and if I call in "sick" it messes an entire family's schedule. And, unlike in Corporate America, these people actually give a shit about me, which would make my flaking all the worse. So I get up. Reluctantly.

Maybe all of the rain is getting me down a bit. Seasonal Affective Disorder they call it. Maybe I need a higher dose of my antidepressant. Who knows. All I know is that I am here. Going through the motions, being responsible. Doing the RIGHT THING. But God, what I would give right now to be lying in bed at this very moment, watching some horrible talk show in between my hours of napping...

But this thought makes me feel guilty. Lazy. Disgusted with myself for wanting to be such a sloth. Daddy is working so hard right now, putting in a full days work and then going to the new house to do all of the things that need to be done. Things that I am unable to help him with because it's carpentry and I don't even know the difference between a wrench and a screwdriver practically. I wish I was stronger. More resilient. Better able to cope with whatever comes my way. Sometimes I feel like I am such a burden because I can be so fragile and needy. When I tell him this he says, "I love you and you're my baby and I knew all of this when I married you." But still, I feel bad about being this way, which again, makes me feel horrible and want to sleep all day. It's a vicious cycle, folks....

Today is a better day. I have my eating disorder group therapy later on and that usually makes me feel better. Stronger. Not so alone. I tend to forget what I was like when I was really sick. Terrified of my own shadow. Filled with way more self hatred than I am now. Unable to stick up for myself. It's easy to romanticize things and not look at the hard cold facts of what my life was like when I was so immersed in my eating disorder. Nothing mattered as much. Not my friends/chosen family. Not my job. Certainly not an intimate relationship. I was filled with so many secrets that no one could get too close. I am braver now. I feel more days than not that I am worthy of all of the love that is showered on me daily. I am a lucky girl. I am blessed. I mean when I was thin, I wasn't married to an amazing man, I had a job that truly sucked, and I barely had any friends at all. So if I really look at the BIG (no pun intended!) picture, my life was no where near as great as it is today. Funny how when I am having a day in which I am struggling, I cannot see all of this. I know that I will have more bad days, it's inevitable, but I will rise up once again because I am a fierce and stubborn when I need to be, especially when "the bulimic bitch" as I like to call her, the voice that tells me that I am worthless, stupid, and unlovable, gets too much air-time and I need to silence her. She's been shut up. I kicked her ass...